Spring: Bring it! (Please???)


Photo by Anna Kucsma (via Wikimedia Commons)

Here at Frump Central, we’ve been spending a lot of time and energy complaining about the winter.  Getting pummeled by snowstorms that drop a foot at a time, twice weekly, for almost a month, will do that to you.

Eventually the snow starts to block what little sunlight tries to peek through the windows.  The driveway narrows, the layer of icy crust underfoot thickens.  You do all the laundry, twice, and you watch all the stockpiled DVD’s.

And then the red wine runs out.

Some of us get a tad irritable.  And by “a tad ” irritable, I’m talking about a seething cauldron of rage, borderline homicidal, “No, I don’t WANT to have a nice day, and how dare you tell me what to do, you son of a …… ?!!!”  And that’s on a good day.

So when the spring issue of one of my favorite fashion magazines arrived today, I was surprised at my reaction.  I expected to feel another surge of annoyance — how dare those spring clothes mock me? A good three months (at least!) before I will be able to wear any of them?

Instead, I felt ridiculously, foolishly joyful.  (So much so that, even though I dislike rampant commercialism and cross-promotion in the blogosphere, I feel I should be generous enough to give credit where credit is due:  the magazine is Lucky. And yes, I do subscribe).

It was as if a strange, hallucinogenic state came over me.  A euphoria, if you will.  Suddenly, the harsh edges of my psyche were smoothed over.  The darkness outside my kitchen window looked a little less dark.  And I was inexplicably charmed by things that never charmed me before.

It all started with the bright pink dress on the cover.  My heart sang even though I hate pink, which I associate with Pepto-Bismol and — oh, the horror — junior high school (thanks to pink Bubble Yum and Bonne Bell Lip Smackers).

Then I turned the page to be greeted by a lovely floral dress.  I hate floral dresses, too!  But this one was different, existing as it did in the midst of one of those fashion spreads photographed on safari in some very fashionable desert.   Steamer trunks!  Silk tents!  Straw fedoras,  lacy T-shirts, and sexy silver and turquoise jewelry!

But nothing prepared me for the row of sexy, up-to-there platform and cork sandals on the next page, showcasing perfectly polished toenails, of course.

Aaaaaaah!   It was as if a soothing balm entered my soul…… though I must confess that I also felt my heart rate increasing.

Next up?  An ad showing a woman lounging by a swimming pool in her underwear.  Why, you ask, is she wearing her underwear by the pool?  Well, we just don’t know.  But who cares?  Her cork platform sandals look fab, and she seems intrigued by the hunky guy swimming past her.  (Or maybe she’s just haughty.  Or bored.  Or hungry.  It’s so hard to tell with fashion models!)

Flip, flip, flip.  More floral dresses and wedge sandals.   Plus, a camouflage mini skirt.  I want one!

And if you think I’m the only one getting ridiculously excited by the arrival of spring clothes, I refer you to the woman in the Shopbop ad who — from all appearances — seems to be having a sexual experience all by herself,  while fully clothed.  (Tag line: “Shopbop feels good.”)

Well, alrighty then.  I’ll have what she’s having!  Even though I have no idea what it is!   Wheeeeee!

And I haven’t even touched on the makeup yet.  Oh, the makeup! On almost every page!  Warm, sunny, shimmery products in coral-based shades with names like blissful, happy days, fairytale and (of course) passion. Sign me up!  I want to shine and sparkle, too!  More sunny bliss, please!

By the time I got to the fashion spreads devoted to the French Riviera and 1960’s-era Palm Springs, I was ready to run out and purchase every item I saw.  My pupils were fully dilated, I heard dizzy, singing voices in my head, and I may have started to hyperventilate.

And this was all before I saw the spring shoe guide.  Hardly a closed toe or lace-up to be found.  Oh, my.

I should probably be more concerned about the sinister motive behind these glossy spring issues, which are distributed annually by the shadowy figures in charge of the Fashion-Industrial Complex.  They are urging us to part with our hard-earned cash, of course, by dangling shiny, colorful objects before our weary, snow-blinded eyes.

But I just don’t care.  I will take relief from my winter funk wherever I can find it.  Thank God for the spring fashion issue, is what I’m saying.

Fortunately for my bank account, by the time it actually gets warm here, I won’t even remember the 500 pairs of platform sandals that I want to buy.

But maybe just one?  What do you think, should I?  Spring only comes once a year… if we’re lucky.


About Anne @ The Frump Factor

Reflections on beauty and style, for women who weren't born yesterday. Bring your sense of humor and "Fight the Frump" with me!
This entry was posted in Beauty, Humor and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Spring: Bring it! (Please???)

  1. Uyen says:

    hmmm…maybe you’re all giddy because the arrival of Lucky signifies that Spring is just around the corner and all of this awful snow will be a distant memory. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel! 😛

  2. MaggieT says:

    Normally, I am enraged when it is January or early February and I can’t find a sweater or pair of mittens to save my life because the winter clothes have been cleared away for the spring. This winter, it’s already bathing suit season! And heaven help a sales rep. in the first week of July who tells me I’m crazy if I want to buy a bathing suit or a pair of shorts. I have to plan my seasonal shopping 6 months in advance. This to a person who regularly runs out of cat food and toothpaste. I guess in August should stock up on mittens, in case I might lose one in January. In April I should buy extra flip flops, in case I have a blowout in July. (Maybe that’s why MJ got in the habit of wearing only one glove–he didn’t plan ahead.) “Christmas in July” used to be a fun off-season excuse to party. Now it’s the retail schedule. Maybe in a few years it will work itself backwards so that the retailers actually sell the thing you need in the season you need them. I would think they’d make more sales that way, but what do I know?

    Anyhoo, I think Ms. Frump would look FABULOUS in a print floral dress and sporting colorful cork wedges. And hey—nothing says “I’m going on safari” more than a print floral dress and 4-inch high wedge sandals!

    Btw, my new favorite phrase is “fashionable desert.”

    Obviously the model by the pool forgot her swimsuit, remembered the time she was 4 and forgot her swimsuit when she went to Aunt Mary’s house to swim in her cousin’s pool and her mom made her swim in her underwear. She got over her trauma by becoming a model and being PAID to parade around in her undies.

    Can you tell I’m procrastinating? Commenting on a fashion blog is more fun than writing about Characteristics of a Market Economy—even for someone who has never heard of “Lucky” magazine!

    • This is why I’m here. Procrastinate away!
      And what, you’ve never gotten Lucky? Really??? (wink)

      And yeah, the retail schedule enrages the hell out of me, too. But this year I’m happy to see the spring stuff! I’m all set for mittens, so I’ll survive.

  3. denise:) says:


  4. Paula says:

    I’m a Lucky subscriber also, but damn, I’m in Florida (I think you know) so I’m missing it right now. Should I care? Nope, cuz I’m lovin it down here right now–have hated that white stuff for 50+ years now and time is running out….Paula

  5. Terri says:

    Sounds like a gardening catalogue might be less expensive! The original “coziness” brought on by snow has definitely passed in my frigid area too. This tongue-in-cheek take on a fashion magazine made my grumpiness lift for a minute or two.

  6. Red Nomad OZ says:

    Hey! Down under here in Australia it’s midsummer. So while I get you’re all champing at the bit to get some cork wedge action, spare a thought for those of us sweltering at the beach or by the pool …

    Yes, some people call me a b**ch, but I don’t believe them!!

    Have a great weekend!!

  7. SandySays1 says:

    Do you think they’d have a pair of those that would fit me??? I wear paw size 7 and a 1/2, OK so its a nine.

  8. Paula and RedNomad: I am very grateful for your comments, and not AT ALL resentful of the warm, sunny climes in which you now dwell. Resentful? Me? Bah! (grumble grumble grumble)

    Terri: Glad you were cheered! Yes, I’ve heard that seed catalogues serve the same mood-boosting function for those who garden. I don’t, so I guess pretty shoes will have to do!

    SandySez: Hey, if you can walk in them, go for it! You’ll need 2 pairs, though.

  9. Mrs. Tuna says:

    Would it be wrong to tell you it was 72 degrees in Arizona today?

  10. Gail says:

    My modus operandi is to start buying my summer wardrobe in January, as soon as the holiday is booked. It’s a risky strategy because I always have several pounds to lose in the New Year and so I buy the clothes in my smaller, summer size. But it always seems to work!

    • I’m impressed! I could never be confident enough about future weight loss to do that. My weight goes up and down, and often comes back to the approximately the same place, but I never know whether those 2-5 new pounds are temporary or permanent!

  11. Mrs. Tuna says:

    Hey now, thanks for swinging by the hood and leaving a comment today.

  12. Grace says:

    I bought myself a pair of white sandals with the cork wedge. They’re awesomely beautiful and surprisingly comfortable. It was my birthday present to myself. I give good gifts!

  13. Annie Joy says:

    I’m feeling a little attack of envy coming on — I broke my foot a couple of years ago and all the cutest shoes are out of bounds for me now. I guess I will be mature and enjoy looking at the spring shoes on other feet (and continue to look for wildly sexy, cute and comfortable flats in a wide width). And keep my toenails painted in case I find some. 🙂

  14. Grace: You bought some! (excited squeal, applause!)

    Annie Joy: That’s a shame. Of course, I admire the pretty shoes, and I can wear them, but that doesn’t mean I actually do. Frugality and practicality often hold me back. I don’t want to drop a lot of money on shoes that I won’t wear that often and, when push comes to shove, I always reach for the pair that I trust to NOT trip me up on the stairs!

Comments are closed.