Inventions we’d like to see

There’s been a lot of talk in the beauty industry lately about multi-tasking products. You’ve probably seen ads for some of them:  eye creams that disguise and treat, self-tanners that also moisturize and exfoliate, toothpastes that clean and whiten.

But I think we can do better. We are living in a modern, industrialized culture, after all. Humans have traveled in space. We can shop for a dizzying array of products that we don’t need, online, 24 hours a day, without changing out of our pajamas. Drive-through hamburgers are available at every major intersection.  And there’s enough reality TV programming to fill every channel, around the clock, for the rest of our lifetimes.

Surely it’s not too much to expect a few modest technological advances, just to make our daily lives a little easier.  Here’s what I’d like to see:

  1. Computer screens that emit anti-aging ions.  Because if I’m going to be tied to my screen 18 hours a day, I’d like to have something to show for it.
  2. Bras with straps that provide a soothing shoulder massage.
  3. Contact lenses that instantly make your eyes look awake and alert.
  4. Magic bracelets that deflect complaints, whining, and negativity from others.  You remember how Wonder Woman used to block bullets with hers?  These would work just like that.
  5. Hand cream that contains sunscreen, anti-aging ingredients, and a space-age polymer that prevents these ingredients from going down the drain every time you wash your hands.
  6. Underwear that doesn’t ride up, down, or sideways.  It should also make you feel so invincible that you look everybody in the eye, never being the first to blink.
  7. Shoes that make you a good dancer, instantly.
  8. A coffee-based cleanser that makes your face look as bright and awake as the first cup of coffee makes you feel in the morning.
  9. A special concealer that makes pimples, undereye circles, and age spots invisible to ex-boyfriends, potential employers, and mean girls.
  10. A salon-style hood hair dryer that descends from the ceiling of your car, drying your hair while you commute to work.  Because honestly, people, hair-drying just takes too damn long.
  11. A shampoo that washes away negative thoughts and pointless worries.
  12. Clothes hangers that will automatically select matching items, blinking at you with color-coded lights on mornings when you just can’t deal.
  13. A magnetized wristband with all vital statistics about our clothing sizes.  When we go shopping, we would no longer have to find the correct size by rifling through dozens of ****ing plastic hangers that get tangled up in each other, trying to read labels in fiendishly small print. The magnetized wristband would attract the correctly sized items right to it.
  14. Time-released cosmetics.  No need to touch up during the day!  Lip gloss, blush, and concealer would refresh themselves.
  15. Dental floss that tastes like chocolate.  Somebody has to remove the dread from this chore.
  16. Shoes that inject a cooling, soothing gel into your feet all day long.
  17. Tights and stockings with an anti-itch substance built right in.
  18. Cologne that’s only detectable by those who like the scent, or who aren’t allergic to it.
  19. A special belt that lets you eat all day long without your waistband gradually feeling tighter and tighter.
  20. A night cream that erases all worries about the next day.  You wake up feeling completely optimistic.

Now it’s audience participation time.  What inventions would YOU like to see?

About Anne @ The Frump Factor

Reflections on beauty and style, for women who weren't born yesterday. Bring your sense of humor and "Fight the Frump" with me!
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28 Responses to Inventions we’d like to see

  1. Tamie says:

    How about chocolate that makes you lose a pound for every piece you eat, yet still tastes like heaven?

  2. OMG, I am moving to Anne-world Right Now. The coffee cleanser alone! Most patent-able: the hair dryer in the ceiling of your car. Girlfriend, that one is a money-maker.

    I think you’ve covered all my fantasies, but OK, here’s a couple more:
    -Nail polish that lasts until I wish it away. Like, two months minimum.
    -Passive exercise machine that gives equivalent of a one hour cardio workout, while I read blogs.
    -Permanent hair color – that automatically colors roots as they grow in.

    Sigh. Well, I do love my Dr. Scholl inserts and washable mascara . . .

  3. Laura says:

    I agree!

  4. denise:) says:

    You know, these are all excellent. I would love the car hair dryer. I don’t mind the shower, or putting on make up, but blow-drying is so tedious!!

    One thing gets me- shouldn’t retailers have figured out a better way for consumers to get to labels by now? This is something that now you’ve mentioned it, irritates me to no end!! Usually your hands/arms are full with clothes already and I’ve simply been so overloaded at times I’ve given up looking for something. By the time I get out of the dressing room, I’ve forgotten about the item – which = lost sale. Maybe stores should have an outfit display board with cubbies for sizes and an attendant to get it for you. Actually- it might be my fault. I shop at cheaper stores- the high end stores probably don’t have this problem!

    • I’m glad I’m not the only one bothered by this! It seriously gives me “Shopping Rage.” And I don’t think it’s just the cheaper stores, either. Even mid-level department stores make me crazy!

  5. I love all of these suggestions…how much fun!! Could someone breed a cat that does housework while I am at work??

    Or maybe a clothes dryer that as it spins the clothes around also folds them…so they come out in neat little piles???

    I guess I am dreaming???

  6. I would like one that would make my writing more interesting–like yours!
    I would also like something to take all wrinkles out of clothes so I do not have to iron.
    And a car that would take me where I want to go without me having to drive and deal with all the idiots on the road.
    Great post, it was really fun.

  7. Serene says:

    Love the idea of makeup that reapplies itself during the day! But honestly, I’d love it if they could come up with bread that you can eat and it passes directly through your system….none of it absorbed into your thighs!!! Great list! Hugs! ~Serene

  8. BigD says:

    Shampoo that styles your hair instantly–that covers gray hairs with no mess or fuss.
    Nail polish that won’t chip for at least a month.
    Pants that automatically adjust in length to suit which ever heel height you happen to be wearing a the moment.
    And, my #1 dream: Jeans that actually fit!

  9. Terri says:

    1, 10, and 14 I would definitely support. I cannot reveal any of my ingenious ideas…as they are worth a million dollars.

  10. Gail says:

    I love your list. I’ve been mulling it over and what would like to add: hosiery de-tangler. So every morning a robot arm offers the right pair of tights for the outfit, not tangled up or put back with holes in.

  11. notquiteold says:

    Bra straps that don’t slide down.
    Good tasting food that burns calories.
    Earrings that find their mate.

  12. Paula says:

    Anne–you are just brilliant! I love all 20 of your ideas and couldnt think of any more!

  13. @EVERYBODY: Clearly, I have the best blog readers anywhere. Your suggestions are fabulous! Thanks!!!

  14. Beryl says:

    I had fun trying, but couldn’t come up with anything new. Love what everyone else suggested. As to dental floss that tastes like chocolate, just use the mint kind after eating a chocolate bar. It’s divine!

  15. Lise Marie says:

    Wow! what amazing ideas. I love them all I just need something to inflate my boobs back to the size they were before I nursed four kids! Without plastic surgery.

  16. Bella Q says:

    I love your list! It is too early in my morning to be able to coherently come up with my own wishful inventions. Perhaps a solar run ice cream delivery truck.

  17. Anne, Best post I’ve read lately! You should submit this to IFB! Do I have to pick one or can I take them all? I especially want the negative comment bracelet…TAKE THAT YOU HATERS! Love it! And about thrifting shoes…I used to never thrift them and then I started trying them on at Goodwill and surprisingly quite a few were comfortable. Debbie

  18. Anne, I keep meaning to tell you and then I forget…I love your header. Debbie

  19. angie says:

    That’s one of the best posts I’ve ever read! I would love to have the shampoo and the night cream. Positive thoughts and optimism is what I cherise the most!

  20. What a funny post! I loved reading it. I just found your blog via my pal, Tammy, at SilverStyle. I would be thrilled if you would take a peek inside my blog. I’m a clothing designer. Nice to find you.

  21. lorena says:

    I liked your list and would like to add : nail polish that LASTS!

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