There’s been a lot of talk in the beauty industry lately about multi-tasking products. You’ve probably seen ads for some of them: eye creams that disguise and treat, self-tanners that also moisturize and exfoliate, toothpastes that clean and whiten.
But I think we can do better. We are living in a modern, industrialized culture, after all. Humans have traveled in space. We can shop for a dizzying array of products that we don’t need, online, 24 hours a day, without changing out of our pajamas. Drive-through hamburgers are available at every major intersection. And there’s enough reality TV programming to fill every channel, around the clock, for the rest of our lifetimes.
Surely it’s not too much to expect a few modest technological advances, just to make our daily lives a little easier. Here’s what I’d like to see:
- Computer screens that emit anti-aging ions. Because if I’m going to be tied to my screen 18 hours a day, I’d like to have something to show for it.
- Bras with straps that provide a soothing shoulder massage.
- Contact lenses that instantly make your eyes look awake and alert.
- Magic bracelets that deflect complaints, whining, and negativity from others. You remember how Wonder Woman used to block bullets with hers? These would work just like that.
- Hand cream that contains sunscreen, anti-aging ingredients, and a space-age polymer that prevents these ingredients from going down the drain every time you wash your hands.
- Underwear that doesn’t ride up, down, or sideways. It should also make you feel so invincible that you look everybody in the eye, never being the first to blink.
- Shoes that make you a good dancer, instantly.
- A coffee-based cleanser that makes your face look as bright and awake as the first cup of coffee makes you feel in the morning.
- A special concealer that makes pimples, undereye circles, and age spots invisible to ex-boyfriends, potential employers, and mean girls.
- A salon-style hood hair dryer that descends from the ceiling of your car, drying your hair while you commute to work. Because honestly, people, hair-drying just takes too damn long.
- A shampoo that washes away negative thoughts and pointless worries.
- Clothes hangers that will automatically select matching items, blinking at you with color-coded lights on mornings when you just can’t deal.
- A magnetized wristband with all vital statistics about our clothing sizes. When we go shopping, we would no longer have to find the correct size by rifling through dozens of ****ing plastic hangers that get tangled up in each other, trying to read labels in fiendishly small print. The magnetized wristband would attract the correctly sized items right to it.
- Time-released cosmetics. No need to touch up during the day! Lip gloss, blush, and concealer would refresh themselves.
- Dental floss that tastes like chocolate. Somebody has to remove the dread from this chore.
- Shoes that inject a cooling, soothing gel into your feet all day long.
- Tights and stockings with an anti-itch substance built right in.
- Cologne that’s only detectable by those who like the scent, or who aren’t allergic to it.
- A special belt that lets you eat all day long without your waistband gradually feeling tighter and tighter.
- A night cream that erases all worries about the next day. You wake up feeling completely optimistic.
Now it’s audience participation time. What inventions would YOU like to see?